I'm on the prowl because it seems like the normal thing to do: break-up, mourning period, self-acceptance, hunting for new prey. That is a normal sequence of events for a normal human being -- and I can pretend well enough, but I'm not normal by any stretch of the imagination.
There is this whole world of experiences lined up behind me, pushing me forward. Maybe it's normal to be pushing back against them, and maybe it's not, but the fact of the matter is that my history with certain people leaves trust far away from me, something far off in the distance that I can see, knowing full well that it will take painful exertion to get there.
I had healthy behavioral responses to interaction with Steven, of which I was very proud. I do not have healthy behavioral responses to interaction with anyone else. To be self-diagnostic, I will hypothesize that the reason I can no longer react that way to other people is because I trusted Steven, and he proved that he could not, in fact, be trusted to keep me safe. It was hard enough before with my past tucked under my proverbial belt, but I could take the people from my past who had hurt me, classify them as bad people, and then look at Steven, and classify him as good people. I did not see qualities in him that I had seen in bad people. I (stupidly) thought that made him different, and therefore, safe. That gave me the courage to move forward.
I can't do that anymore. I can't look at someone, see good things, and believe that the good things run deep. I now look at people, see good things, and wonder when the ugliness is going to manifest. I had trust issues before. I have trust catastrophes now.